My path to the acceptation of homosexuality
I was born in Naples (in the south of Italy) in 1982: my parents were quite old when I saw the light, my father was 51, my mother 40…
Their belief was – and still is – very old fashioned and overprotective. I had no brothers or sisters and I grew up all by myself, having no friends or mates or people being my age, until I was thirteen.
I could not frequent the few boys and girls I had met at school 'cause it was dangerous to go and visit them with no adults looking after us...
When I started middle school (I was 10) I was forced to encounter many new faces and that were not pleasurable meetings. I was not experienced in relating to anyone except of my parents, therefore I was not accepted, I was such a weird person with my own world that was so different from the others guys’ one: I didn’t care about sport, I had no exciting experiences to share, I had my quaint convictions and my odd way to be, my slang was diverse and sometimes I didn’t even understand what they said… that was a shocking experience cause I was labeled apart by anyone, I was the laughing stock of my class.
In that period I was obsessed by illnesses and death in general, I was convinced that having some ritual behaviors would have helped in getting rid of all that sort of phobias… they were very schizophrenic rules I had elaborated myself and it took me a while to get myself convinced that my fears were depending on my lack of self-confidence and on my being clumsy and pursued by negative judgments and continuous twits.
Things got better when high school started… I stumbled across more sympathetic and friendly guys and I began to compare myself with others and so I learned to recognize my oddities and initiated a long path to get more “normal”…
Probably I’m not over yet… And never will I.
There were two guys at school I admired in a very special way: the former had been my classmate at middle school and the latter was quite a particular person, a very cheerful and gamesome chap but having an authoritative and commanding temper as well.
He was a very caring and kindly guy too and he helped me a lot during my growth: he used to emphasize what I did wrong in a very tough way so I could not easily forget his remarks…
When I was that age I was nearly asexual, I thought that sex and love were things unsuitable to me, I didn’t care, and they felt just like that sort of things we know we’ll come across throughout the rest of our life but only in the remote future….
I perfectly remember the day I learned the meaning of “homosexual” : I was ten, sitting at table for lunch, and I asked my parents for the meaning of this word: I was told it meant a pervert who had sex with a person of his same sex…
But my sexual identity, at that time, was not something I was concerned about: I didn't like girls (I guessed that was because I hadn't found the right one yet - how ridicolous!) but, in retrospect, I was crazy about the idea of making friends with some guys – one at a time I mean, I couldn’t stop thinking of a specific guy for quite a long period - and I just wanted to get his respect and share every single aspect of my life with him.
When I was with him I was in seventh heaven and longed for a physical touch… not in a sexual or malicious way, you know… even a pat on my shoulder was great… when some guy twiddled my ears I realized I was strangely aroused…
I had explained these things referring to my lack of friends or to the fact I had no brothers…
We were teenagers and nearly everyone at school boasted of his dirty deeds: masturbation was a pretty frequent topic of conversation. When I jacked off I thought of my male friends engaged in their solo activities, nevertheless I didn't suspect I was gay.
I just believed I got excited that way because it was the story about masturbation, told by my males classmates, that turned me on - the story itself, not the boys.
When I turned 18 my friendship with the second classmate I described upon became just marvelous: we used to hang out togetherer everyday and spoke about *really* everything: finally, I could tell myself I had a real friend and when he swept away his grumpy temper to let me know he did care for me, men I couldn't tell how happy I was!
Walking beside him I felt dizzy and hyper in the same time...
But very soon after he told me he had a relationship with a guy.
I had an unprecented shock and a sleepless night: I started to realize my best friend was not straight, then gay people were not so far from everyday life, thus I could even be gay.
And the second step was: I probably was gay, I probably loved my friend and almost for sure I had no chances to get with him and become lovers.
I got aware of this very slowly and very sufferingly… that was a horrible period of my life, even because the eight years lasting friendship with this guy was seriously hit by my feelings. It was so harsh to accept that all of a a sudden another guy had gotten incomparably more important than me in my friend's life and there was nothing I could do about that: all the time passed together couldn't change the state of things...
Afterwards, I discovered the Internet, I started chatting and met very special persons who helped me out very much in making me feel that my sensations were not so isolated and rare: the only issue was they lived very far away from me…
The local gay chats I used to join were unfortunately visited by kinda maniacs or sex-addicted chaps… however I met there my very first guy I kissed and made out with…
He was a very tender lad, being my age: unluckily my first kiss was not given to someone I was in love with, like I had always been dreaming of, but was just an experience, a very enjoyable one, though.
I recall the way I was fucking nervous and I had to smoke a cigarette to calm me down: I was afraid of my inexperience in kissing…
My first kiss was a total flop: however my third one, after few minutes, was a great love performance, hehe… we made out for hours...
Time went by and I met a lot of guys and at least I became aware I was not anymore having difficulties in interacting with others… some of the persons I acquainted with were very smart and special guys who loved me for who I was…
There is another boy I want to mention here: I met him this summer and honestly I hoped to become his boyfriend…
I failed but I had the joy of coming upon an extraordinary person, a tender, clever, enchanting and stirring guy… I do care for him, I love him like a brother.
I want his nickname to appear here: hello Silver Crow… espero que estaré presente en tu vida todavía, gracias de lo que me donaste durante el tiempo que pasamos juntos, te quiero mucho… un abrazo…
Nowadays I am fully conscious of my sexuality and that’s not a problem to me: I succeeded in admitting my identity to most of my straight friends and I am sure I cannot be what I am and if someone has something to oppose, I perfectly know how to answer his questions…
If he’s a clever person, he will understand, in most cases: otherwise I can’t do anything.
For example my parents will never accept me for who I am: doesn’t matter, I know the way they are and I know they love me…
My only worry now is to live a lonely life: gay relationships are very often too short and I strongly need a partner in my life.
My advice is: live you life the best you can and don’t stay absconded, as long as you can.
The world needs to know that there are a lot of ordinary and non-perveted homosexuals, who are just looking for love and caresses in their not so easy lives.
I'd like to read your comments: please drop me an e-mail...
